I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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