quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
this boner is exhausting
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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