my mouth tastes like poor choices
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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