I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
