The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
