Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
