Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Randomize
