While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
