dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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