Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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