Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
