chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm like, not good at living.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
