the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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