I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
