my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
