how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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