Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
