OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
