1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
