I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
