My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im drinking this country out of the recession.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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