I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Randomize
