Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
