so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
