I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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