a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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