there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She bit a glass in half.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
