The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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