i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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