Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
it glows. i had to have it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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