Life is so much better after having sex.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
