all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize