Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
