Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize