Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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