If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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