i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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