His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
