i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
