If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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