Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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