I CAN MOONWALK!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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