??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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