I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
