he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
