after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
