The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
drinking out of a sandbucket again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
