As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
