apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
