You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
