I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Ketchup is God's man juice
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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