the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Four minutes until I can fart!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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