WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
