I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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